King of the Sliding Board

I have always been a push over, a door mat, pretty much anything you can take advantage of that's me. I am a bend over backward not to offend bite my tongue give up the last cookie kind of person with a serious helper complex. So it came as a bit of a surprise to me that upon having my first child I became a fighter. I knew the moment that I saw him that if anyone ever did something that hurt him or even so much as made him cry they would have me to answer to. All 5 foot 3 inches of raging mom.

I still remember him turning to me almost immediately when as a toddler someone else took his toy away.
"Mommy get it back!" His eyes would plead.
I know the compulsion to yank it back out of that "selfish" child's greedy paw and hand it to my sweet little innocent.
"We need to share, Beanie was playing with it" I would say handing it back and thinking that I was helping to win the battle.
 All the while not realizing what I was doing. I would swoop in as he wobbled a bit climbing a slide that was barely two feet off the ground.
"What would have happened if I wasn't there?" I would think internally patting my super mom self on the back. That's right no one will hurt him, not even him, not if I have anything to say about it.

But as he grew a bit it became apparent that I often don't have anything to say about it. I can't always make a diving catch and save him from a bumped head. I can't always step in and defend him from the myriad of non sharers and pushers that are other Mom's sweet little innocents.
What could I do? I was stressed, I was worried, I was waiting for the something that I just knew would inevitably happen. I started to pray fervently for courage and wisdom and to seek out other Mom's who had been around the block one or two (or three or four) times.

One conversation in particular sticks out in my mind as I stood on the playground with a seasoned mother of three. Her daughter began to climb the ladder to the monkey bars which were probably double her height. Her mother watched nonchalantly as I cringed fighting back the urge to jump after her as she took the leap and grabbed the bar.
"What if she had fallen!" I asked wondering how she could stay so calm and cool.
"What if she had?" She asked me "She would've gotten back up and tried again. She has fallen, many times. That's how she knows she can do it."

I was stunned silent and remember mulling this over. It almost seemed like she was telling me we SHOULD let our kids get hurt! I went home and did some soul searching and happened upon a blog post called Please Don't help My Kids by Kate Bassford Baker. It was about the struggle and responsibility that we have as parents to let our children make their own mistakes and discover their own strengths. It spoke to me in so many ways. As a Mom I say and truly believe that I am proud of my kids and that they can do anything they put their minds to. I know that they are individuals and that they need room to grow. So why would I stifle that? If I don't let them fail am I really teaching them anything at all? Will they ever achieve anything I know that they are capable of if they are too afraid they might get a few scrapes along the way? And how can they become functioning members of society if every time there is a small conflict I step in and create the resolution? I don't think that there are too many work places where they respond well to "I'm calling my Mommy."

That day I decided that I would take a step back. I started encouraging my son to say "No thank you" when someone did something he didn't like. To use his words and say "I'm using this toy" when he didn't want someone else to take it. Words are powerful when you use them confidently. When my daughter came along I was much more willing to let her try the ladders and the bridges and the slides. Did she get hurt a few times? Yes of course but she got kisses and got back up. She got braver as well.

By God's grace I felt like I was truly getting a handle on this "let them handle it" thing then this past weekend we came across an actual grumpy, cocky, I'm bigger so I'm better, bully on the playground. I was down below where Bean couldn't see me when he got to the slide.
"Excuse me can I go past and go to the slide?" I heard him ask.

"No." The older child responded "I am the king of the sliding board and I don't let any little kids go down."

I wanted to yell up "It's not your slide! Who do you think you are? If you aren't going to share then you get off the playground!" But I bit my tongue. I didn't do anything. I held my breath and I waited. I watched as my son barely skipping a beat said,

"Okay well if you were really the King you would let me slide down because real Kings want what's best for all the people."
"Well I'm a bad king. I like to sit here and make no one slide. You can try to climb over me but I'll push you down. What are you going to do?"

(At this point I wanted to push him down the slide but still I held my tongue.)

"I don't want to do that" Bean said looking like he might walk away. "Well, if you're a bad King" he then said thoughtfully "You would want to slide down yourself because Bad guys always do the fun stuff themselves."
The boy thought about it for a second and then turned around and slid down.
Bean said "Okay great! Now it's my turn." and slid down after him.

I was already feeling proud as a peacock but as they got back to the top my daughter Belle (who is two years old) was coming to the top of the slide. The bully started to push his way in front of her and regain his place as king of the slide when Bean stood in front of him.
"Hey" He said looking the kid right in the face "That's actually my baby sister. You can block the way from me and that's okay but she is just a baby and you need to let her through."
To my absolute amazement he stepped aside and let Belle slide down. Then he said
"Hey what's your name? Do you want to play tag?"
and off they went all conflict forgotten as I stood there beaming and close to tears.
Why does it matter? It's just a playground, it's just a slide. I could have stepped in and the conflict would have ended more quickly but as it stands I saw my son for who he can really be if I am willing to let him.
He is a small almost four year old boy, shorter than almost all of his friends, but he exhibited strength that I still don't know if I've got. He not only stood up to a bully, but made a new friend in the process. I know that not all conflicts will resolve so easily. I know that there will be times when he needs the help of a grown up and I will be happy to step in. But I now know to wait to swoop in until I am truly needed.
As we left the playground I told him I saw what he had done and that I was proud of him. He just smiled, "I used my words just like you said!"
As he said "Real kings want what's best for all the people." This is what we can create when we take a step back. We can give our kids a chance to implement what we truly want to teach them. Those lessons that we work daily to instill mean so much more if we let our children show us that they actually work. I am a proud yet sheepish Mommy as I write this today. Without advice and prayers I would never have even written this blog. It probably would've been titled "Keeping your kids safe: How small of a plastic bubble is too small?" I am proud to be part of the many who walk daily through this battle we call parenthood and I was thrilled to leave the playground holding the hand of the real king of the sliding board.